I am the Buddah known as Quitter

I’ve had a lot of revelations over the past few months concerning my concept of time. It’s almost comical the way the Universe reinforces these moments in tiny, almost unnoticed ways.

A professor assigned an essay by Theodor Adorno which from the way I perceived it almost patronizes the way people think about their free time. In short, what he is saying is that there is no such thing. People work 40 hours a week to make money to consume things they don’t need.

This exhausting, unfulfilling 40 hours and consumer commercialism bolsters the ideology of relaxing over the weekend and enjoying this “free time.” For the most part people are just attempting to accomplish menial tasks before their week begins again.

Even if people have a hobby or go on vacations—staycations, whatever, they form a vicious cycle that requires them to work those miserable 40 hours to pay for their so-called free time activities or their right to do nothing.

As I said—these concepts have been popping up in different places.

According to Jack Kerouac, Dharma Bums are those refusing to subscribe to the general demand that they consume production and therefore have to work for the privilege of consuming. This in fact has tied in heavily with my plan for the New Year—not consuming at the level I have in the past has allowed me to work a mere one day a week, at a place I love with wonderful people.

The joy in all of this is that I, even with an insane school schedule, am enjoying my true concept of free time. There are days I spend up to 14 hours on campus and I leave just as excited to go back the next morning as I was the day before. The only thing I love more than being a student is being a teacher. When you do something you love, that is your free time. I have found something very special.

Keep in mind that this is only my interpretation so it is quite possible that Adorno or anyone else for that matter is saying something completely different altogether—but does it really matter?

Anyway.

I have had a lot of anxiety the past few days after starting an internship at a marketing agency. I spent a good amount of time setting it up for this semester and after the first day I knew whole-heartedly that it was not for me. I have always had a really hard time letting people down and the thought of quitting was nauseating. After 4 hours of staring at my ceiling last night I phoned a friend, her response:

It’s not trivial.

There is nothing worse than wasting your time.

Leave the internship and be honest about it.

I fell asleep 10 minutes later.

I woke up this morning and sent the email. After pushing send I felt at peace again. I’d say one of my many flaws is that I tend to do things I don’t want to in fear of letting other people down.

What a way to live. It’s embarrassing to even dwell on—so I won’t.

Untitled

There is something cumbersome about being surrounded by people and still feeling completely alone. It’s hard to adjust sometimes after leaving home after holidays, especially my last trip.

The thing about this particular trip was that my two best friends—I’d dare say soul mates-- were home. The three of us haven’t been together at the same time in years! It’s about as rare as the lunar eclipse that happened to align with the winter solstice over that same vacation--a little dramatic? Yes, but you get the idea.

After returning home I received this painting in the mail along with a beautiful collage of thoughts, drawing and lyrics. After staring at the painting and feeling inexplicably connected and moved by the ‘Girl with Curls,’ I read her letter.

“I had an uncanny attraction to this painting. I can’t really explain why, but I instantly thought of you.”

Not that it’s epic a friend was able to find a gift that another likes, but that the gift had nothing to do with liking. This painting in its’ simplicity and inarguable complexity says more than people are capable of. It’s very rare that people exchange gifts that aren’t out of pure obligation. Gift cards and cash, although fantastic, hardly signify a relationship or the nature of giving. I won’t dwell on this though.

Back to ‘Girl with Curls,’ I couldn’t help but wonder if she was looking at her future or saying goodbye to the past. I realize now that it doesn’t matter, because in my mind she will always be thriving in the present and I hope to do the same; keeping in mind that we are never as alone as it may seem.