I am the Buddah known as Quitter

I’ve had a lot of revelations over the past few months concerning my concept of time. It’s almost comical the way the Universe reinforces these moments in tiny, almost unnoticed ways.

A professor assigned an essay by Theodor Adorno which from the way I perceived it almost patronizes the way people think about their free time. In short, what he is saying is that there is no such thing. People work 40 hours a week to make money to consume things they don’t need.

This exhausting, unfulfilling 40 hours and consumer commercialism bolsters the ideology of relaxing over the weekend and enjoying this “free time.” For the most part people are just attempting to accomplish menial tasks before their week begins again.

Even if people have a hobby or go on vacations—staycations, whatever, they form a vicious cycle that requires them to work those miserable 40 hours to pay for their so-called free time activities or their right to do nothing.

As I said—these concepts have been popping up in different places.

According to Jack Kerouac, Dharma Bums are those refusing to subscribe to the general demand that they consume production and therefore have to work for the privilege of consuming. This in fact has tied in heavily with my plan for the New Year—not consuming at the level I have in the past has allowed me to work a mere one day a week, at a place I love with wonderful people.

The joy in all of this is that I, even with an insane school schedule, am enjoying my true concept of free time. There are days I spend up to 14 hours on campus and I leave just as excited to go back the next morning as I was the day before. The only thing I love more than being a student is being a teacher. When you do something you love, that is your free time. I have found something very special.

Keep in mind that this is only my interpretation so it is quite possible that Adorno or anyone else for that matter is saying something completely different altogether—but does it really matter?

Anyway.

I have had a lot of anxiety the past few days after starting an internship at a marketing agency. I spent a good amount of time setting it up for this semester and after the first day I knew whole-heartedly that it was not for me. I have always had a really hard time letting people down and the thought of quitting was nauseating. After 4 hours of staring at my ceiling last night I phoned a friend, her response:

It’s not trivial.

There is nothing worse than wasting your time.

Leave the internship and be honest about it.

I fell asleep 10 minutes later.

I woke up this morning and sent the email. After pushing send I felt at peace again. I’d say one of my many flaws is that I tend to do things I don’t want to in fear of letting other people down.

What a way to live. It’s embarrassing to even dwell on—so I won’t.

Untitled

There is something cumbersome about being surrounded by people and still feeling completely alone. It’s hard to adjust sometimes after leaving home after holidays, especially my last trip.

The thing about this particular trip was that my two best friends—I’d dare say soul mates-- were home. The three of us haven’t been together at the same time in years! It’s about as rare as the lunar eclipse that happened to align with the winter solstice over that same vacation--a little dramatic? Yes, but you get the idea.

After returning home I received this painting in the mail along with a beautiful collage of thoughts, drawing and lyrics. After staring at the painting and feeling inexplicably connected and moved by the ‘Girl with Curls,’ I read her letter.

“I had an uncanny attraction to this painting. I can’t really explain why, but I instantly thought of you.”

Not that it’s epic a friend was able to find a gift that another likes, but that the gift had nothing to do with liking. This painting in its’ simplicity and inarguable complexity says more than people are capable of. It’s very rare that people exchange gifts that aren’t out of pure obligation. Gift cards and cash, although fantastic, hardly signify a relationship or the nature of giving. I won’t dwell on this though.

Back to ‘Girl with Curls,’ I couldn’t help but wonder if she was looking at her future or saying goodbye to the past. I realize now that it doesn’t matter, because in my mind she will always be thriving in the present and I hope to do the same; keeping in mind that we are never as alone as it may seem.

To accomplish nothing, make a list.

So I woke up this morning with my bold to-do list, we all have one via phone, post it, or in my case my precious planner that I unfortunately neglect about 6 month out of the year, but I insist on buying, one after the other convincing myself that this is the one that will keep me on track. I feel organized and ready to conquer the world, but 3 hours after waking up I reflect on the things I have accomplished and realize that not one of them was on my list.

So, I start to panic and attempt to do all of them at once, half way through paying my phone bill I decided I needed a strawberry then of course that they all needed to be cut and put in a Tupperware, which then lead to cleaning the kitchen and a realization that I hadn’t had my morning coffee. After making coffee I noticed the dishes—I think you get where I am going with this.

What is it about a to-do list that makes everything else seem more important?

I should really make a list of things I do not want to accomplish, then maybe I will have a list to dominate.

So, after finishing that sentence I realized how beautiful the beach was looking and decided I needed to go for my run. When I get overwhelmed that’s always the answer, kind of poetic—can’t do, just run… away! Unfortunately I always find myself running back. At least I’m being honest, I could have told you I buckled down and proudly crossed out each item on my list, but hey my run was on there, so not a complete failure.

As far as my New Year resolution is going I sat in front of my closet looking at the graveyard of shoes. At first it was easy, but then I got to a pair of heels that I have owned, no joke, for 7 years—at least! Every time I do my donations I stare at these shoes and for whatever reason can’t let them go. In seven years I can say I have worn them ONE TIME! Why do I love them—strong word, I know. Anyway, after carrying them around the house I put them on for the second time.

Ten minutes later I took them off, closed my eyes and threw them in the box. I opened my eyes and realized that the world didn’t end. All hell broke loose—I am now sitting and staring at Lawlor Mountain—a pile of unworn, unloved possessions that I undoubtedly won’t miss.

I’m ashamed to say I still have 15 pairs of shoes sitting in my closet, but in my defense all of which fit on my shoe rack--when did people start owning so many shoes that it lead to inspire an entire industry of racks? There may be a Round 3 in my endeavor of unburdening myself of footwear, because the rack looks like it is one flip flop away from caving in the middle.

In a final note blogging was not on my list, but I discreetly wrote it down as if someone would jump out of the closet to call me out. So, as I post this I can cross another off of the list, it’s the small rewards you have to give yourself.

Fortunately, the next three items require internet to accomplish, so if I can keep myself from signing on Facebook I think I can get on a roll here!
Yours truly.

Well, here I go...

In an effort to convince myself that I have left my procrastinator ways I decided that it was time to really consider what I was going to do with the new year (It's December 28th, success!) The irony here is that I should be running errands like returning Born to Run--which is quite possibly the reason for all of this--and going to the bank--I have a check Grandma gave me from December 8th. Anyway, moving on. 


 It is what I will call The Plan, an attempt to completely re-prioritize my life and find peace in the balance of mind, body and soul. 


Side note (at least I warned you)--The title of my blog was inspired by a song called, you guessed it, Famous Flower of Manhattan. Besides a mesmerizing voice the song throws out these incredible lines and inspired some self reflection and made obvious some serious flaws I found in myself.


And I found a flower in a field
A field of cars and people; rows of concrete, paint, and steel
Manhattan is where it grew

And I thought to cut it from it's stem
And take it from the cracks between bricks that it lay in
And save it from city strife
Away from the city life

Then someone they whispered in my ear
A country girl can't be made out of anybody here
Don't touch it, it loves you not
Don’t touch it, it loves you not

Cause blue birds don't fly without their wings
And when we put them in a cage the world can't hear them sing
So selfish when greed sets in
Possession, the king of sin

And people don't ever let you down
Forever find a way to kill whatever life they've found
A heart beat and I want it too
Manhattan is where she grew

So I left and I let the flower be
And yesterday saw the flower on cable TV
Much prettier than here with me
For all of the world to see
Much prettier than here with me.

Amazing, right?! 


In so many of my experiences I try to possess certain qualities of what I think I should find in them, rather than appreciating them for what they are and the unpredictability they provide. It was scary to think that the materialistic obsession of acquiring had taken over my mind, as well. 


Perfect example, I recently went on a hike. Rather than letting my mind quiet and take in the experience I was overwhelmed with a desire to "see nature." I wanted to posses the mental picture of a deer or anything else as some sort of trophy or reward of my hike. 


So now that my side note has taken me off track--this is a quality you should get used to-- where was I? New year focus, right! 


The Plan:


1. Free myself of oppressing possessions. What doesn't serve a purpose will be donated. I have 30 pair of shoes, I could cover the feet (they'd have to be large, size 11 feet) of 30 people! Seeing that number in writing makes me realize how ridiculous that is. Who knows how much time I waste trying to find space for all the things I don't need or money I've wasted on things to hold all the crap I don't need. 


2. Live simply and freely. My goal is to not buy anything for the entire year. After the hours it has taken me to get rid of all this stuff it seems silly, if not insane, to acquire more. Before anyone starts pointing out the obvious like food, toiletries, etc let me clarify. I mean clothes, conspicuous consumption. Any money spent will be on experiences: traveling, races, museums and bonding with friends. 


3. Giving back with without holding in mind any conceptions about charity, charity after all is just a word. I owe someone a citation here and I want to say it's Jack Kerouac, in Dharma Bums. I spent 900 hours of last year doing volunteer work and some how decided that I deserved a year off. I am not saying I need another 900 this year, but I will live in such a way that I find myself doing at least one thing everyday that improves the quality of life for another. 


Yours truly.

Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.